I have been struggling this week and I have felt anger rise up in me at God and at myself. So I began to repent and get quiet before the Lord and see what the heck this was all about.

I have had great victory over anxiety/panic attacks, however I am not walking in the complete victory the Lord says I have. I began to search God’s word and ask why that is.

I believe the first reason is

…..I have not learned to let my fleshy response to certain situations be renewed.

What do I mean by that? When someone spoke words of failure over me as a child/young adult – I accepted it and it began to give me a fleshly emotional feeling. When I saw this person I would hang my head and then I began to believe it and expect it from others. My mind has control over my body therefore the feelings I would have would range from headaches to extreme tiredness to anxiety attacks FEAR.

Then the self talk would come in and make it worse. If I made a small mistake, let’s say I put a cup of milk too close to the edge of the counter and it falls and spills – you stupid….they are right….you can’t do anything right…you are worthless, look at this mess and it’s all your fault.

Here goes my body that sinking feeling, tired, want to run and hide, sick to stomach….

BUT what I heard and what I was telling myself was not true.

Yes, it was a mistake to sit the cup there but it wasn’t because I’m stupid or worthless. It was because I was in a hurry I wasn’t paying attention – that is something you learn to do, you realize that doesn’t work and you correct it the next time.

I cringe when I hear parents tell their children how stupid they are when they spill their milk. I’m sure they have no idea how much damage they are doing to that young spirit.

I believe because of my past it helped me to bite my tongue (no I was not perfect at this) and tell my daughters it’s okay, it can be cleaned up but to be careful next time, make sure you put the cup back further next time.

I believe our Father God does the same thing for us as we grow in our faith. When we sin He doesn’t tell us – hey stupid!!  He reminds us of His word, His love and that He is waiting for us to repent, receive forgiveness and move forward, walking away from the sin.

And the second thing

  Obedience – ouch, yep I was not being obedient. God does not tell me to be obedient in the big things only He tells me to be obedient period. And I see where I have been resisting Him – are you ready……I’ve been resisting Him in one area for a little over a year! Yikes

Does God still love me? Yep

Am I still saved? Yep

Is He still blessing me? Yep

But you know what – there are consequences in disobedience and therefore I’m not getting the full blessing He wants to give me.

So what am I going to do?

Repent, renew my mind in the Word of God, watch what I’m thinking and speaking and obey – move forward and do what He has told me to do. If He calls me to do it then I can do it – by His power!

Laziness, fear, self-condemnation, and the effects on my body from these things, are all lies of the devil.

So I Submit to God and resist the devil – devil, you have to flee!!!!!

In the name of Jesus!

Now I am off to do one of the things I know the Lord wants me to do – it is for His kingdom, His children. I even have a smile on my face as I take another step of faith.